


"O-oh, Raymond~"

by musobleu, nimiumcaelo



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, holt and kevin doing it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:34:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24619192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musobleu/pseuds/musobleu, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimiumcaelo/pseuds/nimiumcaelo
Summary: Glimpses into Holt and Kevin's more-interesting-than-expected sex lives.
Relationships: Kevin Cozner/Ray Holt
Comments: 4
Kudos: 53





	1. Chapter 1

“Eugh!” Jake faux-gagged. “Is there anyone else here who isn’t into freaky sex stuff?!” He looked at the ring of blank faces around him. “ _No one?!_ Ugh, is it just me and _Holt_??”

Holt appeared behind him. 

“You and me are just _what_ , Peralta?”

“Uhhh… Just… The only two people in this room who aren’t into freaky sex stuff…”

Holt blinked.

_“Won’t it ruin her leather, though?” Kevin asked, rational despite the lack of blood in his brain._

_Holt held up a thick bath towel. “Not if we put this down, first.”_

_“O-oh Raymond~”_

_…_

_“Isn’t that a little gauche?” Holt asked as he was tugged by the hand behind a rather large tombstone. “Fellatio at your great-aunt’s funeral?”_

_“We weren’t technically invited, anyway, and besides, she always smelled like raw fish. Now unzip.”_

_…_

_“Can’t you two wait even an hour?!” Henry, a mutual and supportive friend they’d had in the ‘70s, complained. “This is my mom’s apartment!”_

_“No time, Henry. Turn up the music.”_

_…_

_“Kevin, I had the most interesting day today.”_

_“Oh? Do tell.”_

_“We had a seminar on escaping hostage situations. We were all hogtied and made to escape. It was quite… thrilling.”_

_“Oh. Oh…”_

He was halfway through a vivid recollection of himself, bound, and Kevin teasi—Well. 

“Hm. I suppose I would have to ask Kevin. Back to work.”


	2. Dinner with the Cozners

Raymond grit his teeth. This was ridiculously unfair. Kevin had worn his cornflower blue tie this evening and the soft lighting of the restaurant gave his hair a golden glow. And he looked so tall, even sitting! Raymond never had a chance…

That, plus the fact that Kevin’s fingers were currently tracing along the seam of Raymond’s trousers.

_“Dinner with your parents? Are you insane? You hate them! And they hate you!”_

_“I know,” Kevin smiled mischievously, “and this is the perfect way to get back at them. Just play along and pretend that nothing’s happening.”_

And that was how Raymond came to be sitting across from Mr. and Mrs. Cozner, who hated him virulently, while his unfairly handsome boyfriend started slipping his nimble fingers into Raymond’s pocket to get better access to what the Cozners believed was Raymond’s “magic genitalia”. 

Raymond was thankful for the darker lighting or he was certain they would detect the hot flush spreading across his face.

_Raymond’s ribs ached from laughing so hard on the ride home. Kevin had nearly had to pull over from the tears watering in his eyes._

_“What did they say, again?” Raymond asked._

_Kevin removed his mouth from Raymond’s penis. “They said you had ‘turned me gay’ with your, and I quote, ‘magic genitalia.’”_

_“Ha! You wish that were true.”_

_“Hmm.. Or is it?” He lowered his head._

The Cozners had not addressed him directly all evening. The only reason he was acknowledged at all was because Kevin insisted on bringing him into every discussion. Kevin’s grip on him tightened each time his steely voice uttered Raymond’s praises, metaphorically and literally.

Raymond kept his chin lowered as he ate. 

"Alright!" blurted Kevin's father, probably more loudly than he should have, in the middle of a conversation about boiled rice. "Raymond, what will it take for you to release our son from the Gay Spell of Satan?!" 

"Well," retorted Raymond, looking pensive for a moment, "if you could gather a toadstool and a... dried newt..." a smirk busting at the corner of his mouth. 

"Ugh! I refuse to be treated like an ignorant fool!" he shouted in the middle of the very crowded restaurant in 2019, and stormed off, dragging Kevin's mother by the wrist. 

Raymond shot Kevin a look. “I believe you were… interrupted?”

“Was I?” Kevin betrayed the faintest hint of a smile. “How inconvenient. Remind me where I was?”

Raymond captured Kevin’s hand in his own, placing it in a very specific place. “Just about here, if I remember correctly.”

"Your check.” 

Kevin snatched his hand back as the waiter placed their check upon the table. 

"Who will be paying tonight?" the waiter asked politely. 

Raymond and Kevin looked at each other briefly and nodded. 

Raymond spoke up, "Her name is Amy Santiago..."


End file.
